Dang, have I got nothin’ today or what? Um… Ok, how about a little contest? Because, you know, I just love going to the post office at this time of year. 😀 The prize will be a mix cd personally crafted by me for the winner. Said winner will be selected based on how hard I laugh, or by random number should the choice be impossible. Deadline is 6 pm CST on Thursday, December 13. ETA: Contest is now closed – thanks for playing!
To play along, leave a comment below in which you write a personals ad for me – now that I’m feeling really healthy, dating doesn’t seem quite as implausible to me. *a-hem* Please aim for clever over crude! I’d be perfectly happy to leave behind my blog’s current G rating, but I’d also prefer not to hit NC-17 or beyond, y’know?!
Basic info about me – heterosexual divorced white female, age 41, 5’9″, athletic build, wicked sense of humor, tends not to be attracted to blonds or redheads, likes to read and knit, has eclectic musical taste, loves bicycling and walking, not much into tv. More details can be found in my 100 Things About Me list or my 6 Weird Things list.
“Woman! Bring me a beer! And the remote! And some tuna! And a partridge in a pear tree – doesn’t that sound yummy?” -Chaos
My Mom is looking for a tall dark haired man, over 35 who likes kitties, must not have a puppy.
My Mom will knit you socks, cook you gluten free goodies and let you play with any of my sister Mayhem’s toys.
All applications are to be submitted to Chaos with an accompanying can of deluxe tuna.
Dear future Dad-
Please be willing to model bibs. (Mom makes us do it all the time – (and quite frankly it’s embarrassing).
Please stay home and play with us during the day so that we sleep later in the morning (the neighbors will complain less)
Please play toss the wild crazy red mice in the air (and rescue them when we push them under the frig)
Please give us wet cat food 3 times /day.
Please give us belly rubs and snuggle with us often.
Oh – and it would be really nice if you enjoy reading, and like to eat healthy, and maybe you’ll take Mom out dancing now and then. She’s really very cute you know – and has a wicked funny sense of humor (so you’d best be able to keep up!) and oh yeah.. it would be good if you love flannel sheets. she likes that you know.
Love, Chaos and Mayhem
P>S> come soon.. Mom’s ready now.
tall , skinny blonde who’s smart enough to charm is looking for a tall dark vampire who loves the night life . I come with my own black cats and ‘needles’ and prefer not to play video games but experiance real life. Shiftless vagabons need not apply.
DWF seeks cat loving, indie music listening, man. Must be tolerant of knitting and photography of stuff on the floor. Will supply with buttloads of socks.
Sizzlin’ DWF seeking pale, sexy, gluten free, cat loving vampire for meaningful relationship. Must have your own bicycle, job, and car battery damn it. Looking forward to bike rides around the lake, doing push ups together (make of that what you will), and knitting garlic scented scarves. P.S. I have two small children who need a pushover father figure w/ no parental authority and the key to the MGWT closet. Cable guys, lawn mower men, and exploding space butt monkeys need not apply.
Um…I’m still thinking on this one…
What a great contest. I’m going to need a while to mull this one over.
I couldn’t possibly compete, but I’m gonna love reading these. BTW, I hate Bloglines.
You already wrote it!
Since Chaos looks so placid (and demanding), I assume that IMMEDIATELY after the fight yesterday, they cleaned themselves and looked at you like “what?”
No blondes or redheads? Well I guess I’m out of the running, since my natural color is blonde and I dyed my hair red for 5-6 years in high school. 😉
I’ll leave this one to those who are much better in the personal ad writing arts…I tend to get wordy 😉
I’m enjoying reading these – am a fan of the vampire one by olga
Hi, I’m Chris. I like weird music, black cats and going to the post office in the dead of winter. I knit a lot and I read a lot of blogs, so prepare to be ignored for long periods of time (but you might get a stripey pair of socks out of it, so shut your piehole). If you happen to have red or blonde hair please come equipped with your own hair dye and don’t be surprised if I ask you to hop on a bicycle built for two.
(Clearly I’m going for funny here…)
I find it hard to top Teyani!
Heh – my DH has a friend I’d introduce you to, but, seriously, he has two dogs! (labs)
Guinifer – but are they black labs? Having all the same fur color in the house might make for better harmony, at least for the human occupants.
Your previous comments are too funny! I keep looking for a little “funny” or “agree” button to click, like in the Ravelry forums!
Love Teyani’s ad!
DWF seeks companionship, preferable human in nature. Loves blood-sucking creatures of the night, black cats and knitting. You needn’t be a great conversational partner as I spend loads of time on the computer blogging and/or reading blogs and really only want a physical relationship. Oh, and I’ll blog about you, too.
I am loving the responses so far! Lol, i may need to think on this one first though!
I read your 100 things list and did it High Fidelity style…hopefully a humorous one so you can screen out the guys with no sense of humor…
Top 5 All Time Best Reasons to Date Me:
5. I’m a sophisticated city girl through and through.
4. I have gorgeous arms.
3. I’m not afraid of wild animals, Star Trek or being tied up (if it’s in yarn).
2. I still secretly want to be a rock band drummer.
1. I look hot in handknitted sweaters. 😉
Ok, so maybe Chaos and May aren’t wild animals, but they don’t have to know that. Good luck. I got dared to put up a profile this weekend so we’re in this together! 🙂
Couple seeking a submissive, SWM for good time. Must be open to late night dining and be up for fun anytime. Should have access to ‘the nip.’ Please be clean and disease free, as we may share you with our other sub (DWF). You will be sharing duties (mainly petting and feeding) with her.
OMG! I almost had one, then I read comment 22 and I knew I could never approach that level of greatness. Dang.
Why after the week I’ve had, I would say that it is INSANELY VERY INCREDIBLY satifisying to write a really sweet SQL query. Especially since I don’t speak SQL. And am having to do so. Trial by fire, ya know? And folks think I weigh about 30 pounds less than I do, or maybe 40. So, an ad,
Amazingly clever but slightly anal perfectionist seeks dark wonderful perfection.
Hmmm, I must ponder… Will be back.
Hmm..
Would you like to meet a knitter,
who likes to walk so is a lot fitter
and grooves along to the Mountain Goats
alongside Mississippi riverboats?
Is your passion the Tour de France?
Do you like a bit of romance?
Are you tall, dark and handsome?
And you’re well-read and some?
Are you’re a fan of sable felines
And handy with cans of tuna in brine?
Are you the kind who likes to have fun?
If so, then you could be the one!
DWF doesn’t even begin to tell anything about me. This is about you, big boy. Do you like to play? Wellll, I can torture the best of cats, dude, the best. I have a MWGF and I know how to use it.
You like eclectic? Oh yeah, I’m your grrl (notice the double R…grrrr) We can mix it up as in mixing up the music…you’re a cool cat, right? Don’t you think a grrl with varied, and unusual taste in music has other interesting attributes? Oh yeah, dude…she does. You should see what I can do with sticks and string. Do you have cold feet? Welllll, I’m the grrl who can warm them up just for lil ol’ you. If you have any doubts about a knittergrrl being sexy just check this out. http://knitty.com/ISSUEsummer04/PATT302calories.html
Licorice anyone?
Composed while awaiting and imbibing in a martini…you wanted to change your G rating…that oughta do it;-)
Ball winder seeks swift: Virgin [look I am trying to sell you here] ex-lumberjack with pointy stick fetish, seeks man for diet challenging meals, tickles behind the ears, play it’s-your-turn-to-do-the-litter-tray, cycle rides and evenings with no TV. Must like playing hide the gluten free sausage, winding wool and knitted underwear. Sense of humour may be required.
If I were any good at things like this, would I be spending Saturday night reading blogs???
rofl hide the gluten free sausage ok PAO wins hands down ahahahhaha
OMgosh… I popped back in to read the other ads people wrote – and now find myself having to comment again… this is a hysterically funny blog post Chris.
What a great idea!
hope you are laughing hard too (AND that you consider using one of these in a local paper… they are great!)
DWF seeks man who likes to wear handknits and has a healthy respect for yarn. Must love cats. No, really, I’m not kidding. Take a look at my blog and you’ll see it’s crucial that you love cats.
There is a fine knitter named Chris,
Who hankers for that perfect kiss.
Whether Paul, Steve or Mike,
If cats you do like,
She really is not to be miss’d.
🙂
Chris- I’ve been married for so long, I’d be hopeless at writing an ad, but I wish you all the best, and hope this guy wears alot of black so the fur won’t show.
And has spare cash for midnight catfood expeditions!
DWF seeks tall dark handsome and gluten-free bicycle boy. If you love large black panther-sized cats that glare in the night, playing MGWT, and things you can do with sticks and string, then I’m your woman. A love of tuna and ‘nip gets you bonus points. Going with me on long walks and bike rides around the lake is a necessity. TV-watching couch potatoes need not apply.
(ROTFL at Pao’s entry!)
Simple and truthful yes? Wouldn’t you just love to post this for real? I am so joking with this!!!!(so Chris please do not take any offense to this as it is completely something i would love to see in the add’s somday)
Simply put…i’m single and looking for the perfect relationship. Mr Wonderful’s only need apply. I am not perfect but you should be close to it. Perfection does not have to come in a greek god package but should include respect, honesty, being a romantic at heart, responsible (that does mean have a job!), confident without being cocky, a good human being! Must love cats, Mine feel they rule the roost so be prepared..you’ve been warned. I am a realist but am looking for my fairy tale! Photo not required with reply but might get a response sooner.(Oh, pedestal not required…i already have one in the back of the closet that you can place me upon, just bring your sexy self!)
Pao….your add cracks me up!
Dang. My DB, DWM, 47, employed, smart ass lives in Burnsville…He’s owned by a barker who is respectful of furbabies. I can’t say that he’s handsome or dark, but he doesn’t bite, he likes to cook and he listens to music I’ve never heard of.
Well, I must admit that while looking WAS exciting (23 blind dates in 9 months), and I did find lots of ‘single for a reason’ types, I really only found when I stopped looking for a “type” I thought was mine. Instead of tall, dark, and handsome, I ended up with tall, grey, goofy sense of humor, beyond ridiculous laugh (the kind that makes you laugh at the laugher in a movie theatre), who wears white socks when I am not looking, doesn’t like Bob Dylan, Mountain, extensive guitar riffs, or Van Morrison (my ex-DJ day faves) BUT who loves me till the day is done and then some, plus thinks I am the sexiest thing on two feet (or off them! often!). So my advice is write who you are, and not what you want. Because I never would have written an ad for this, but he’s exactly who I needed. Blue skies!
Looking for Johnny Depp look-alike. Must have original teeth. Bank account a plus. Ax murderers need not apply. Bonus if you like cats. Double bonus if you don’t have any. Please, no shorties. No fat dudes who think they look forty. Do you like knitting? Me too! I would like to add, you must be STRAIGHT. Please be sweet, loving and kind. Please have a great ass and a great mind. Interested? Call me soon! I’ll call you back, pending the background check.
I don’t know if a got anything on these others! They are great to read.
OMG. So funny! I’m too tired to write something but wanted you to know I stopped by to say hi! Glad you are feeling better.
xo
Witty, creative, well-read DWF seeks adventuresome companion for bicycle rides and cozy evenings. Loves cats, loves to blog. Come courting with soy mochas.
2 superior black cats seek a human male 35-45 yrs of age to assist our female slave (dwf, 41, and sporty … not that any of that really matters) in catering to our every whim. You must have opposible thumbs (we curse God every day for our lack of opposible thumbs)and be intelligent enough to realize that we are in chage of everything.
DWF seeking GF, cat lovin’, margaritas lovin’, human male that is smart enough to wear black (so the cat hair doesn’t show). Meet me with an arm load of dark chocolate and your application will go to the top of the pile.
*going to combine a few things here and go for real*
DWF seeks sweet brainy guy with a (twisted) sense of humor. Must enjoy city life, exercise, black cats, computers and lots of books and music. I like to travel and spend my hours living life to the fullest, not in front of the TV. Gluten and lactose-free diet a bonus.